I’ve said it before and I don’t mind saying it again. 2017 was a dumpster fire. The turmoil and distress from last year is a close second to my 2010. The differences between the two are a.) my attitude and b.) my relationship with God. My faith became radical in the last eight years. Much of what I thought was happening to me was indeed happening to better me.
God made this clear in a job interview last August.
At least once a month, I push my rolling chair away from the desk in my home office and declare, “This is bullshit.” Be it my unpredictable freelance career, a script that I can’t figure out, or the two-digit numbers in my bank account, I’m usually one degree away from burning out. (It’s no secret that this happens once a month, hello PMS mood swings) When you’re a creative, your flesh and imagination work directly against each other. In your mind, you plot the greatest innovation and stories of a lifetime while your body is telling you to lay on the couch and binge-watch something. You’re exhausted mentally and physically when the truth is you haven’t done shit to make you tired. Before I quit my job, I said, “I just want time to write all day.” God heard my broken record. He made space for me to write all day and I don’t want to do it. There, I said it.
Exclusive footage of how I imagine God looking at me every day:
He’s not through with me just yet.
Back to last summer, I was fed up and considered becoming a Walmart greeter. I’m no stranger to hard work, but my freelance work wasn’t cutting it. The truth is, I half-assed most of my projects and my income reflected this. Every month my bank account and bills had a meeting.
Here is visual representation of their conversations about me:
To be clear, my bills were always on time and every account was in good standing. Truth be told, I cut it close each and every time. Somehow I kept encountering my recurring inability to save.
When people ask me about my process as a freelancer, my best advice is:
Dear freelancers, save your money for rainy days. It rains a lot in this world. Protect Ya Neck ’17.
— GirlTyler (@sheistyler) January 24, 2017
It rained a lot last year. Every time my savings account reached a certain number, it would be drained within a week. An unexpected trip to the emergency room, car taxes, binge-eating, and a medical procedure began to add up. I had so many people mad at me because I backed out of prior commitments due to finances but I had to ask myself if these relationships were worth going into debt and the answer remains, hell no. Months before my 29th birthday I began to feel the “you’re about to turn 30 bih and your life is in shambles” blues. It was time to level up and my idea of doing this meant going back to a traditional work environment. A regular routine, regular pay schedule, regular money. Regular Tyler from 2011 was ready to go back to the 9-to-5 lifestyle.
I submitted a few applications and no response. Then I sent one email to a contact and an hour later I had an impromptu phone interview. A company wanted to meet with me in person that week. I was so excited. Finally, my money troubles would be cured. Mama didn’t raise a fool though. When a company, not in your field, rushes to get you in for an interview, this is usually a red flag. I’m pretty tough and have worked with the biggest jerks, surely I can endure any job for a survival check. My goal was to move to this new city, save some money, network, then find a job that I actually liked. This is the dumbest logic now that I see it in black and white.
Just like my mama, my mama’s mama, and her mama’s mama, I had to do what was necessary to make a life. Comparing my situation to the ancestors would soon backfire.
“Bury me in the ocean, with my ancestors that jumped from the ships, because they knew death was better than bondage.” -Killmonger
I weighed all of the obvious risks and 48 hours later hopped in my car for a mini-road trip. I hadn’t been on a job interview in five years. I had forgotten all of the rules like dress code, interview tactics, and the overall candor needed when trying to impress a potential employer. For a split second, I sat in my car and thought, “Wow. You’re really selling out again for a paycheck.”
I sure was and walked into the job interview with the utmost confidence.
I met with the overseer that I spoke with on the call. Looking back, he was super passive aggressive and ready to hire me on the spot. Clearly, he had quotas to fill and needed a warm body to fill an empty seat. I knew this. Our in-person conversation went well. He gave me a brief rundown of the company’s expectations and what I could expect day-to-day. Then he took me to the field. An open room with dozens of twenty-somethings sitting in front of two computer screens mindlessly scrolling a database or enduring the most unengaging phone calls. No, this wasn’t a call center. If hired, I would be recruiting individuals to work at different retail stores and sell something. I don’t even remember the product. Maybe T-Mobile phones? That’s how out of it I was. I barely knew what I was signing up for but I knew I needed to line up something soon.
[Tweet “Never allow desperation to guide your decision-making.”]The overseer sat me with a recruiter to watch her process and demo what the job entailed. He introduced us.
Visual representation of our introduction:
We sat down and I could tell the girl was in a daze and playing nice because I was a guest. She was me in my former positions. When a candidate came in to interview for a job, I would fake a smile and be on my best behavior. It was a modern-day “happy slave narrative.”
I never wanted to say or do anything to deter someone’s perception of the company no matter how much it was eating away at my soul. I’d make a special exception for black women. I never sell my sisters out like that. If I knew this candidate was bigger than the position I would always say something to encourage her to keep looking. Crabs in the barrel my ass. I want my sisters to flourish.
The girl and I sat together and immediately I knew this job wasn’t for me. Behind her smile, she seemed stressed out and jaded from her work. Even though she told me about the beaucoups of incentives and bonuses, she couldn’t mask her lack of enthusiasm. And remember the two computer screens? I immediately had a flashback to my first job out of college that required me to drag and drop commercial spots from one screen to the other. I didn’t want to endure that monotonous life again, but there I was ready to exchange my soul for the salaried position with benefits.
The overseer came back to get me from the field. He asked if I had any more questions and I didn’t. My mind had already skipped to searching for an affordable place to live near the company. My desire to escape my current reality overruled any logic at this point. Just as he was about to make the offer, the overseer stopped mid-conversation and said that he forgot to introduce me to the company director.
Let’s refer to her as Angel.
Angel was a black woman in charge of the entire department. She was petite yet commanded attention the moment she walked in the door. So the moment she walked in the door, she gave me a sharp glance and I thought to myself, “Oh shit. Here we go.”
She requested that we go into a separate room for her to get to know me and answer any questions. Honestly, I didn’t give a shit about this job or this company. Within the short distance between one office door to the other, I had to come up with some questions to appear interested. We walked into a small boardroom and Angel sat down with a pleasant smile on her face. From one black woman to another, I already knew what was up. Sis was about to read me.
Visual representation of me looking across the table at Angel:
She asked for my questions and I responded with the most bs question that came to mind. I turned around and looked at the board and said, “Can you explain to me row three, column six. How exactly does this system work and how soon am I expected to reach the goals set in place?”. She easily responded then said, “Next question?”.
Visual representation of Angel looking across the table at me:
I didn’t have any other questions. So, she turned the tables. Angel was silent for 60 seconds as she studied my résumé.
Visual representation of me looking across the table at Angel:
Angel said, “Tyler, please tell me how your seven years of media experience will help you to be successful in this position at our company.” I calmly responded, “Of course,” then went into what I felt to be a believable response to her question. On the outside, I appeared confident in my answer.
Visual representation of how I felt when Angel asked this wildcard question:
Angel said to me, “Okay. Let me tell you two things that you’ve continuously stated in our conversation. You’ve mentioned God and your love of TV.” I responded, “Yes, I am open about my faith and have no intentions of hiding it.” Then the conversation took a supernatural turn.
Angel: Do you believe in prophets?
Me: Yes.
Angel: I come from a family of prophets. My mother is one as is my aunt. While I do not attend church as regularly as I should, I do have a discerning spirit. That being said, God is telling me to tell you that this job isn’t for you.
Me:
Angel: I don’t typically bring up spirituality in interviews but this is weighing heavy on me. Looking at your resume, you’ve worked hard and built an impressive career over the last ten years. Why are you stopping what you started?
Me:
Angel: Tyler, be honest, what is it that you love to do?
Me: I love writing.
Angel: And what is your purpose?
Me: confidential information
Angel: Then why aren’t you pursuing that?
Me:
Angel: Oprah did not quit. Shonda Rhimes did not quit. Why would you quit? I don’t know what brought you here today. Maybe it’s money or you have another situation going on in your personal life. What I can tell you is this is not for you. No one ever became successful by diverting from their path and the ones that did, it took them longer to get to where they were going once they realigned their purpose. Tyler, do what you were called to do.
Me:
Angel: I cannot make this decision for you. Go home. Pray about it and call us once you’ve made a decision. Not next week or in the next two weeks. Call us when you are ready.
I sat there with water filling up in my eyes. God used a complete stranger in an unconventional setting to speak to me. When God has made your purpose clear, you will never find true peace until you do what He has asked of you. Angel reinforced what I knew already. We shook hands and I walked out.
I got in my car and told my mom about the interview and my encounter with Angel. Mom responded, “I could’ve saved you some gas money and told you that myself.” I become frustrated and responded, “Why didn’t you say anything? When I was younger you had the most opinions and now that I’m almost 30 you don’t have anything to say.” Mama retorted, “You’re grown now. I reserve my comments for prayer.”
This is the same woman who once told me that I made bad decisions then came back 10 years later and said, “There’s no such thing as a mistake. You make a decision based on what you think is best for you in that moment. If it doesn’t work out, you make another decision until you find a favorable outcome, but none of the results are mistakes.” Okay, sis. Your parents are on a journey too.
God moved in mighty ways last year. Another opportunity presented itself a few weeks prior to my conversation with Angel. Ultimately, the decision-makers rejected me and I was crushed. Honestly, this seemingly missed opportunity is what led me to apply for jobs. I thought I wasn’t good enough for the big leagues, so I quit. Oddly enough, both positions required me to begin in early September. Little did I know my aunt would die in September, exactly one month after my conversation with Angel. He made it possible for me to hold her hand as she took her final breaths. God is always moving you in the right direction even when it feels like punishment. Man’s rejection is God’s protection.
So what now? I sat my black ass down and embraced the season.
Ecclesiastes 3:6-7 A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.
For the first 9 months of 2017, I applied for every opportunity and sent out countless emails trying to make something pop. Ultimately, I had to surrender my thoughts and actions to the will of God.
Isaiah 55:10-11 For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, And do not return there without watering the earth And making it bear and sprout, And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
Or as the only first lady that I acknowledge so eloquently put it:
But eventually, I realized that if I wanted to keep my sanity and not let others define me, there was only one thing I could do, and that was to have faith in God’s plan for me. I had to ignore all of the noise and be true to myself — and the rest would work itself out. -Michelle Obama, Tuskegee University Commencement Address May 2015
If God gives you purpose, He will also grant you provision to see it come to pass according to His perfect will. When I met my heroes Debbie Allen in 2014 and Gina Prince Bythewood in 2016, they both gave me the same answer to a recurring question, “How can I break into TV?”. They responded, “Write.” Aunt Debbie said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “There are more avenues now for young people to get noticed then years before. Use the internet to your advantage.” And Gina said, “Keep writing. It’s the only thing that will save you when nothing else makes sense.”
I got to work and began refining my craft by putting my energy into writing. I also studied my Bible consistently as well as industry related books. I didn’t need a new job, I needed to work with the tools that were already in my hands. My unfulfilled assignments from God set me free. Two months later, emails from strangers began pouring in as did opportunities on social media, none of which I searched for. They came to me. Today, I’m getting closer. Angel was right, success would not come had I strayed from the path. Things are working together for the goodness of the Lord, even when I could not see it. (My bank account is still jacked, but whatevz, He’ll fix that too.)
I encourage you to watch the “Marked” sermon from Pastor Michael Todd about David’s promotion.
“David did not fill out an application to go to the palace. He did not use connections to get into the palace because he was doing the last thing God told him and spending time in the presence and perfecting what was in his hands, they sent for him. When you are doing what God told you to do, you will never have to vie for your position. They will send for you.”
Be obedient, get started, and watch Him work. God is the plug.