Starting Over, the Necessary Evil

If you were to interview 19-year-old Winthrop University sophomore Tyler Young about her biggest dream in life, she’d tell you that is to go back home after graduation to Greenville, SC and get a job as a news reporter.

Live footage of me reacting to where life took me seven years later (today).

It’s funny how important things appear in our teen years only to be shelved as an afterthought as we mature into the person we were destined to become. It never occurred to me that I would one day wake up at age 26 and change my mind about my professional ambitions. I’ve been 27 for two months, in case you were wondering. I wrote a blog last month about my discontent with everyone and everything, realizing the problem was my lack of trust in God’s plan for my life. The gist of the blog was about resigning from my job, however I chose not to elaborate to my readers about the next chapter of my life. I’m not exactly sold on the idea about putting my business plan on the world wide web for someone to steal or even to criticize. I’ll show you my next move better than I can tell you.

For now, I can tell you that most days I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I am a TV junkie. Love the news, just no longer interested in the local arena. My interests haven’t exactly changed over the years, only expanded with the wisdom I’ve gained. My bubble isn’t as small. What I’ve learned is that you must dissect your passion and interests before eventually intertwining the two. The first few weeks of venturing out as an entrepreneur felt as though I was on a hamster wheel with no end in sight. I had goals in mind, yet no clear direction on how to get there. I took a bold step onto the road less traveled by resigning from my job, but seriously, Robert Frost could have left some sort of compass or app to show me where to go after the inaugural step.

You can read as many self-help books that your mind can soak up, watch countless hours of Oprah’s Master Class, but no one can navigate you in which direction you should go in life.

Working a full-time job in a professional environment provides structure. Even McDonald’s employees and Wal-Mart greeters have protocol to follow in order to successfully fulfill their job requirements. Being a creative entrepreneur, I lack that structure. I am payroll, operations manager, intern, the supervisor, accounts receivable, creative director, and executive assistant, to name a few. I wear so many hats in an attempt to keep my own head attached. But am I doing these jobs right? I don’t know. I bust my butt everyday trying to figure out HTML, SEO, graphic design and all those other things I didn’t care to learn in undergrad.

Saturday night I stayed awake until 3 a.m. (it’s the normal these days) trying to reformat my site. I looked in my inbox and realized a few of my client’s requests hadn’t been fulfilled and that I had forgot to respond to a very important email, potentially costing me money. I became extremely frustrated and began to weep. I didn’t cry actual tears, so I guess I wept? I felt overwhelmed and frustrated over the fact that I am a grown woman that doesn’t know how to figure out what appears to come easy to millions of tech gurus. Like for real, I kept trying to change a code on my site and the sh*t wouldn’t work. For the first time, I really took a hard look at myself and felt the burnout coming on. The same burnout that caused me to walk about from the news industry. I had an enlightening moment where I had to come with my truth; I’m a rotten perfectionist. I put too much stress on myself and expect things to go my way with the snap of a finger. Yes, I often feel as though I should be exempt from trouble in life. I was uber pissed and went to bed with my tail between my legs.

Sunday morning came and I went to church, entering the sanctuary with tears in my eyes. (What is up with me and tears?..cut it out Ty!) These tears were different from the ones I’ve cried hundreds of church services before. These were not the tears that I’ve cried so many years on Sunday morning after a night of sin or desperately praying for God to find me another job to save me from the one I was at. These were tears of humiliation. I quickly realized how I was not honoring God’s abundant blessings. How dare I be up in the middle of the night pouting about such a trivial matter? In this humble moment, I realized how I was not honoring the talents that God had given me, only to complain about what I lacked.

If my only problem in life is HTML, I think I’ll be okay.

For my ambitious brethren, you are likely familiar with the agony accompanied with seeing your vision so clearly yet having no insight on developing it. The journey is so frustrating and will push you to your limits. Am I good enough? This can’t be right. Can I trust this person? Should I invest this amount? My money is low. Starting over be it in a career or even in a relationship requires a strong foundation in your faith. Embarking on a new journey requires you to take a hard look at what you need to unlearn before you can enter into a space to attain the right knowledge.

Respect the process of starting over just as you did getting to this very point. Give yourself a break on more than than one occasion. Enjoy moments of self-discovery, don’t sweat the small stuff. While you’re rewriting the next chapter of your life, the ultimate book publisher is crafting a great plot twist you won’t see coming. Pass God the pen and just play your part in obedience..