Photo Credit: She’s Gotta Have It (1986)

As Shonda Rhimes basked in her Year of Yes, I endured a Year of No Sex. God, I pray my parents never see this.

Just the other day, my dad asked, “Baby, if I tell people to go to GirlTyler.com, is that where they’ll find your work?”. I gave him an honest response, “Yeah, that’s it. But, unless you want your buddies to read my cuss words and dirty laundry, I wouldn’t send them there.” I say all that to say, I’ve put off writing this blog because I don’t want my parents to see it. But…my creative spirit won’t let me rest until I transcribe this phase of my life.

I’ve always had a skewed outlook on romance and sex. I consumed films like Dirty Dancing and The Color Purple at age four, torching any chance for Disney to impregnate my mind with fairy tale love and nonsense. I wasn’t a princess then and I wear no crown now.

So, what is it like not having sex for 400 days (and counting)?

I am fat and happy.

 

I’ve gained 20 pounds over the last year, partly due to lack of testosterone. Chick-fil-a became my sex substitute. When I get the urge to throw it back, I head to God’s restaurant and order a number 1 with extra pickles and Chick-fil-a sauce. I don’t know how I got to a 400-day sex fast. It wasn’t a number that I set to achieve, but here we are.

Somewhere between my consumption of Frances Houseman and Johnny Castle’s pelvic thrusting to my first love breaking my heart at age 20, sex was my Olympic sport. After graduating from college and finding daily structure as an adult, I told God that I would pump the brakes on my overactive sex drive. And in most cases, I did. Seriously, my late-night specials at 21 were no longer acceptable at 24. I matured. However, I have plenty of tawdry stories that I’d love to swap with Being Mary Jane. I went from three times a week to a couple of times every three months. My speed eventually slowed to once every eight months (weird number). Then it happened. I stopped enjoying sex. But why?

Growing up, I never saw healthy relationships and because I consumed entertainment that prioritized physical contact over spiritual connections, I became accustomed to flesh-driven relationships. I felt an overwhelming conviction in my spirit, like never before, about meaningless sex. Every time I thought of doing it, I felt like God was shaking his head at me. 

Sex became a habit and menial labor.

In 2014, I found out the guy I was dating had a pregnant girlfriend. It was some real ghetto shit that I’ll save for a later blog. I took a dagger straight to the heart on that one. She knew about me, but I didn’t know about her. I bowed out gracefully. (This man actually wanted me to be in a polygamous relationship with him and shawty and God knows who else. These can’t be the same men Coretta and Fannie Lou Hamer marched for.) 

I knew it was time to hit my Bobby Valentino and slow down. This situation forced me to reflect on my patterns in relationships and a harsh reality hit me; I had poor taste in men.  I exuded sex and it became the foundation of my relationships with men. I had no intention of loving them nor the other way around. Even another off and on relationship that I had tried to hold onto for five years was dying a slow death, it was time to move on. I began to go to church more, eventually praying for God to fix my wildly odd obsession with sexual intimacy.

I rebuked my horniness.

I went eight months without the magic stick but you know how Satan works.

By late December 2014, I met this AMAZING guy. I really really liked him and Tyler never really, really likes anyone. After our first date, I told my best friend, “I hope I don’t mess up and sleep with this man.” Everything felt so right until …. I slept with this man. Things turned physical way too soon. I remember when I went home that night, I cried and prayed that God would forgive me for dishonoring my repentance. It’s like I was adopting my old ways again, and in turn, I know this guy was slowly becoming turned off by my aggressive attitude. He wanted to chill, and I’m like, “Bruh, take your pants off.” Did I just write that? God, yes, I just wrote that. I developed deep emotions for him early on. It’s like I wanted to quickly make things official with him so that I could ease my mind about my raging hormones. In my mind, I rationalized it as, “If he were my boyfriend, it wouldn’t be so bad for me wanting to jump his bones every breaking moment.”

God listening to my rationale.

By this point, I was no longer listening to God, I was doing my own thing. 

“All things that start fast, end fast.” -My fast ass

Then, on January 17th, 2015, I had an enlightening moment. We were laying in bed and I started noticing how much we didn’t have in common. His conversations were becoming annoying and I was ready to cut our time short. One thing led to another and he revealed that he was juggling me and another young lady at the same time. I couldn’t be mad because he never expressed interested in committing to me. We were simply enjoying each other’s company. At what cost though?

As I jumped from man to man, looking for a connection, I was jeopardizing my health.

Then I heard a voice whisper, “You don’t have to share your body to share a connection with a man. When you find the right one, you won’t have to strip down for him to see you.”  The lady my grandmother and mother damn near beat me into becoming finally showed up to the party. It took me 26 years to realize it is possible to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex and not commence a sexual relationship.

[Tweet “Why must we be slapped so hard in the face from lessons that should’ve been learned early on?”]

I didn’t know how to communicate what I was feeling or thinking at the time, but I just asked him to leave my apartment, never to see him again for six months. I was ready to take monogamy seriously and I could no longer risk my health for a night of fake intimacy. Sex is pleasure and can translate into a lethal weapon when done in jest.

I could no longer play Russian roulette with my life or my youth.

After six months of not speaking, he sent me a DM on Facebook checking in on me. I invited him over and we discussed the “fun” we had and acknowledged it was best we go the friendship route. He’s a good dude, just not the one for me. Even now with us back on speaking terms, he still is unaware of why I cut our night, and potential relationship, so short.

 

As time went on, I stopped dating for a year and spent time sharpening my craft. I am writing  consistently and channeling sexual energy into my art. To substitute, old habits, I utilize my time in other ways. I religiously read my Bible, visit a local coffee shop to clear my head and write, take a 5-mile walk on Sundays listening to my favorite books on Audible or I go home to be with family. And Chick-fil-a takes the edge off, Monday-Saturday.

There’s plenty of recreation outside of the bedroom. You must first readjust your focus to find it.

I now know what I desire in a future partner and how to properly use discernment to seek it out. Once I began enjoying my own company, no longer, desiring that of a man, I opened my heart to healthier interactions. My renewed outlook on sex allows me to go into every situation with a clear mind.  If I know the physical attraction is too strong and I can’t trust myself, I will decline an invite. Even when guys try to kiss me on dates, I  go all matrix on them and avoid our lips from locking at all costs. I say a little prayer during these weak moments, “God, deliver me from my vagina.” And he does. As the months rage on, I tell guys on the first date, “I haven’t had sex in almost a year..and tonight will be no different..fyi”.

There are times when I didn’t get a call back and other times I set off intrigue.

[Tweet “I am happy with the person I go to bed with and wake up to..me.”]

I love the innocence of my relationships with the opposite sex, I haven’t felt this way in years. No expectations.

I say all that to say, “I survived 400 days of no sex.”

So what did I take away from this dry season?

5. I am not defined by my body count.

4. Even in your weak moments, God still loves you.

3. Know your triggers and handle them accordingly.

I stopped listening to R. Kelly music. OG panty dropper.

2. Regret is silly. You did what you wanted because it felt good at the time.

1. Prayer is the best weapon in all battles..especially a battle of flesh.

I don’t know how long this accidental sex fast will last, but I’m continuing to grow and mature without having sex as a distraction. I didn’t choose the 400 days..each and everyone chose me with new grace to show up and do better.

Before, during and after sex, you can never foreshadow how things will turn out. I know women who gave it up on the first date and got a ring while others got dumped. It all depends on the strength of the connection and the type of man you choose to align with. 

Your body is a temple. Your spirit is a precious gift..be mindful of who you allow to unwrap it.

“The beautiful sex organ isn’t between your legs, but between your ears.”
–She’s Gotta Have It