Photo: Why Did I Get Married Too
I wrote the first sentence of this post and then got on Twitter, scrolled for a few seconds noticing a photo of Serena Williams’ baby bump. I had to RT. Then confirm. Screenshot. Proceed to post on IG followed by both my personal and Facebook fan pages. 10 minutes of my life gone.
Rinse and repeat.
This post isn’t about distractions because I have a separate blog coming about using romantic relationships as a hobby. Instead, this post is about the never-ending pressure to “have it all together”. What is the “it” and why should I be so pressed to fulfill “it”?
First off, I keep seeing this meme.
We’re all trying to hold it together in some form. Social media is like standing still in the middle of Times Square and watching people of all backgrounds pass you by. You’re holding it down in one spot, but it feels as though the rest of the world is participating in a race while you’re still at the starting line wondering if anyone is going to come around and pass you the baton. This feeling goes beyond FOMO (fear of missing out) or wanderlust. If you’re a person who has a strong desire to succeed but it appears as though you’re not making any progress, defeat is a feeling you know all too well.
On the flip side, for those in a constant rat race for whatever reason, you’re waiting on a red light to stop you dead in your tracks. You’re tired of being busy. Burnout is real.
Then there’s the everyday management. Every area of your life requires attention. Health, finances, love, business, spirituality, etc. Being an adult is overwhelming. Managing all aspects of life isn’t the problem..it’s finding the proper balance to make room for them all. How do you know what should stay and what needs to go? How much time is too much time when dividing your attention?
In late December, God sent me a message through a few of my former colleagues. In a sense, He said, “You’re not going to do 2017 the same way that you’ve done past years. Do better.” He removed something major in my life. Not going to lie, it was a bit of a blow but I heard Him loud and clear.
So I was still.
Just like the people pounding the pavement in NYC on a steady grind, I turned into the one person in the Big Apple that isn’t in such of a rush. I slowed down and sat still. This practice of “chill” has proven to be successful in my past. I cut out the meaningless sex, drunken nights, binge-eating and busy work. Finally, I started to breathe again.
In January and February, I went to the library three days out of the week for three hours and completed two TV pilots. Look at God. Finally, I have something to pitch.
But then a certain behavior reoccurred.
I am wild and destructive. The source of my own detriment. Just when I think things are going well, I’ll have the good Kermit versus bad Kermit moment and feel the need to self-sabotage. There’s really no logic. Somewhere deep in my childhood, there is likely some unresolved issue explaining my carelessness but for now, let’s just say I like to wreck my own shit.
Subconsciously I whisper, “We’re getting too happy bitch, dysfunction is where you best thrive.” The proof is in my recent weight gain.
Last month, God said, “Oh so you didn’t hear me the first time?”. Then I received the second to worst news of my life, up there with the day I learned my grandma died.
Okay, I hear you, God.
I got still again, readjusting my focus and tuning out the noise in life. Then I wrote my first short film. Yay me. I get so much shit accomplished when I cut out the nonsense. Go figure.
But ya’ll, know I like to cut up, right?
Some of my old behaviors resurfaced two weeks ago and God said, “You still don’t get it do you?”
He took something else away. So now, I’m all over the place now. Why can’t I get it right? Through it all, I’ve kept my emotions in check, surprisingly. I haven’t cried or pitched a fit like my past issues.
When trouble arises I literally make this face and wonder when the universe is going to stop hating on me.
Yesterday, more bad news. WTF? Clearly, I need to take action.
I told my mom yesterday, “God is working on me” and she countered with “God is working through you.”
Later on, in our conversation, I told her that I didn’t think God had time for me and she went on to say, “God is removing his hand from certain things in your life to show you what it’s like to try and do things without Him. It’s not so great that way, is it?”
No mom, it’s not.
At the very core of my existence, I feel a shift about to happen. For the good, of course. Usually, when you’re on the brink of a breakthrough, Satan tries to come in and wreck shit. While God will never put more on you than you can bear, I do believe that He’s also seeing how you’ll handle the turmoil before He trusts you with greater.
How do we get to greater?
Yes, it’s time to finally “get” my life once and for all. How? Doing away with old problem-solving techniques.
I’m coming up on year two of my stepping-out-on-faith-aversary. While I am proud that I left my job to pursue a greater calling, I keep running into a recurring issue. I spend much of time putting in more work for everyone else over my own ambitions. If the same issues continue resurfacing in life, there comes a time that you must accept the fact that the only problem is you.
God was right, I can’t do life the same way. New levels require new methods. And sometimes, you need prayer and a psychiatrist.
I’ve reduced the amount of attention that I give to unclear conversations. No longer accepting pointless meetings. While I’m all about helping others, I cannot continue to consult for free, especially with opportunistic people. I don’t visit Facebook as frequently as I used to. And just the other day I erased 600+ contacts from my phone. I had bullshit names in there like Gas Station Tyrone, Fine Brandon, Danger!, Crazy, Kevin From the Other Night, My Friend.
Exclusive image of me looking at me:
Why was there a Gas Station Tyrone in my phone? But that’s another blog.
For now, I’m attempting to dust away some of the residue of my past so that I can make room for new beginnings.
So to answer my question of, “is it ever possible to have your shit together,” the answer is, NO.
Here’s why I say that you’ll never completely have it together. Think of it like a day at the beach. You’re standing at the shoreline watching the waves freely move back and forth. Each time the water touches your feet it washes away the sand. Then what happens? The water returns, ushering more sand at your feet. Even if you move or stand still, there is more sand that will get between your toes. There’s no escaping it.
This is a strange metaphor but follow me.
Whether you quit or continue pressing toward the prize, there will always be something at your feet. Problems are inevitable in life. All you can do is maintain what is in your control and the rest will eventually wash away. Feelings change. People change. You change. Embrace every change.
If you were to have your shit together 100 percent, that means you stopped evolving. No more growing. Just a stagnant existence. What’s the point of living if you aren’t in a constant state of improvement, not just for you, but for the space around you?
“Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship, so keep moving, keep growing, keep learning. See you at work.”